It all began at hello.
I clicked over to the other line, and proceeded to receive an over-the-phone tongue lashing about a really stupid issue. In fact it is so stupid I really don't want to get into it. Nonetheless, as I was being sucker punched by one word after the other, I felt myself choking on my pride, holding back what I really wanted to say, which was something along the lines of, "This is so stupid, I don't even want to give you airtime." However, I knew that the right thing to do was to accept what I was hearing and find the deeper issue. I think the caller just wanted to be heard, but the problem is, so did I. It wasn't fair. It really wasn't even my fault. And besides, it was completely stupid (did I mention that yet?) Well, I hung up and didn't feel like even communicating with anyone the remainder of the night. All I wanted to do was eat and watch basketball. But, even as I did that, I continued to replay to phone conversation over and over...so much so that it just put me in an utterly bad mood the remainder of the evening. I didn't want to talk to my wife, play with my daughter, or even receive a loving lick from my dog. It all irritated me! If there was ever a time when I could morph into a turtle and hide in my shell, this was it. The night continued with episode after episode, none of them major, that just reminded me of this desire to be a turtle.
Then God spoke.
Midnight. My daughter, Gracelyn, awakens screaming and thrashing back and forth. As it turns out, it was nothing major either. Allergies! Her nose was stopped up and she was beyong irritation...much like her daddy. What I saw in her was how I had been acting all evening. I was thrashing around in self pity. However, she is much different than I.
As I started to leave and remove my hand from her back where I had been attempting to comfort her, she said, "I want you, daddy." Immediately, it clicked. Not once had I said that. In fact, I wanted God to defend me. Instead of defending me, He wanted to comfort me. I don't know why sometimes He defends and sometimes He comforts and sometimes He does both. But tonight He wanted to comfort me. He used the mouth of a four year old to get me to realize that the same thing she wanted was the very thing I needed. He showed me that sometimes, I need to stop thrashing around and just say, "I want you, daddy." Not really expecting Him to do anything, but be there with His hand upon me.
Even as I write, I am almost cringing because it is so hard for me to utter those words because they mean surrender. They mean that I can't do it all on my own. So, maybe before I go to bed, or when I wake up, I'll be able to learn a lesson from Gracelyn and seek the comfort of my Daddy.
"I want You, Daddy." I want Your comforting hand upon my back, reminding me that You are near, reminding me that You understand, reminding me that I am not alone.
The precious is mine. I found it. oh, the precious....the precious.
Berry, Mark, and I braved the long lines at a local movie theatre this weekend, trekked our way to our seats, and prepared to witness the "Return of the King," the most recent Lord of the Rings. What an incredible movie! In fact, you know a movie is great if you come away with a character's identity...
Berry--Aragon
Mark--Legolas "The Elf"
Chris--Gimli "The Dwarf"
However, the identity association did not stop there. I began not only to see myself in many of the characters. I saw our journey as Resonance.
Here we are, on this journey in the kingdom, waiting for the king's return. The King has taken his seat in heaven, and one day he will completely conquer the dark forces, he will come riding on his white horse with His legends behind him and the gates of Hades will not be able to hold him back. However, as we wait for the king's return there is a fellowship that he has given us. We must cultivate this fellowship of followers because within all of us is a Gollum who hungers for the precious power. It is easy to tell ourselves that this church plant is ours, we started it. We must remember that we are on this journey together, fighting side by side, not so that we may gain anything, but that we may make a way for the return of the King.
May our fellowship remain unbroken.
Well, I'm finally done with seminary! I want to say that I am really excited, but I'm not really sure how I feel because it does not seem like a reality yet. But, it does feel nice to read what I want, write when I want, and be back to "normal" life. Seminary has been an interestingly scary experience. I have been able to taste what it would be like to live in a white-washed world where the primary stresses are a final exam or a paper to write. Now, it is back to the place where pain really lives and breathes...back to the place where people really don't care what your view is on dispensationalism...which they shouldn't anyway. Anyway, in that sense, it does feel good to be back to some kind of normalcy. However, I have to say that seminary wasn't what I thought it would be.
I walked into the hallways first during the Fall of 2000, excited to learn everything about the bible, get the answers to any question that someone may ask, or even answer some of the questions I had. I walked into seminary looking for answers. However, now that I am walking, it really isn't answers I have, but more questions. Some may think that having more questions is a problem because seminarians are supposed to know the answers. Well, that isn't me. I have learned that the bible is way too complex and God is way to big for me to answer everything. In fact, maybe it isn't even answers that anyone should look for. Maybe learning is really about learning what questions are worth asking.
So, as I continue on in this journey of life, my prayer is that God would always reveal knew questions to me that are worth asking...not so much so that He would give me all of the answers, but so that it would create more dialogue between us. After all God is not a dictionary. He isn't just interested in giving us answers. He is the Creator who is interested in communion with His creation.
My own personal shout out
Thank you Lord, for how You so often carried me through school. Thank You for giving me questions and not always choosing to answer them. Thank You for providing financially, emotionally, and spiritually while I was in school. Finally, thank You for thank You for the beauty of Your Word. May I ever hunger after You through it. Lord, keep me humble, so that I never allow my seminary degree to shape my identity. Thank You!
It has been a month since my last blog...I can't believe it. I shouldn't really even be blogging right now, but I am so overwhelmed I have to have some type of outlet. Maybe an electrical outlet, maybe an outlet mall...man my brain is scattered, like marbles on the kitchen floor, like chickens in the presence of a wolf. What am I talking about? This is your brain...this is your brain on education...why do I even need education...maybe that's the problem I think I need it. Why? Because I feel like I am worth something if I know something...maybe I should admit that I really know very little or that I'm not sure if I even want to be known. If I'm known then I'm found. Thank God that knowing me, He found me, finding me He saved me.
That's about all for today. The above is the random thoughts of one who is completely stressed out!
May God continue to bless you, not because you are entitled to it, but because it is His nature to bless!
I'll write more coherently once the semester is over...Graduation (already/not yet)
In Exodus 3, God informs the Israelites that He has come to rescue them from the Egyptians and take them to a land (Canaan) flowing with milk and honey.
In my previous study of this passage, more specifically the phrase, "milk and honey." I had always interpreted that as a land flowing with an over abundance. However, this week I heard an interpretation this week that seems to fit the idea of this passage more completely. It seems that the phrase "a land flowing with milk and honey" doesn't mean that the land will have an over abundance, but it will have just enough. The land will be just enough to meet the needs of the people.
As I thought about this, it came to my attention why I liked the over abundance idea...I'm greedy! selfish! I want more than I really need. It is not enough for God to meet my needs; He must give me more...He is obligated to give me more. However, all along, God is saying...I am all you need and I will give you all you need, nothing more, nothing less. This has been apparent the last couple of weeks.
My wife, daughter, and I have been having difficulty relocating to North Dallas, where our church plant is. Our home seemingly has no chance of selling soon, we had no real leads on apartments, and my wife was having some trouble with her pregnancy. So, we had a lot on our minds, to say the least. This past week, God gave just what we needed, nothing more, nothing less. We found an apartment on Tuesday, and we are scheduled to move in Nov. 21. We had a doctor's appointment on Friday, where we were able to see the baby's heart beat! Thank you Lord!
Although our house has not shown and there doesn't seem to be anyone interested in it yet, I am confident that the Lord will continue to provide in a way that is exactly what we need, nothing more, nothing less.
Lord, teach me to live a lifestyle in the land that is flowing with milk and honey, trusting in what You provide!
"Well, I've gotta have faith, faith, faith." (Yes, I just quoted a line from a George Michael song. I can't believe I did it myself, but it seemed appropriate! Please forgive me.)
Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). If there is any word that is resonating with me right now it is faith. You see, because I stink at it! I have faith when it is easy to have faith. My faith in God is at its best in the midst of blessing. It seems as if when I read of the heroes of faith in Hebrews 11, I tend to highlight the successes that these heroes were a part of...Enoch being taken up, Noah being saved, Abraham and Sarah conceiving Isaac, Moses rescuing the Israelites, etc.
What I seem to skip over verses 36-38: others experience mockings, scourgings, imprisonment, stoned, sawn in two, death by the sword, destitute, afflicted, ill-treated, wandering in deserts and mountains and caves. I forget that faith involves vulnerability. The product of a faithful life is not earthly success, church growth, financial stability. It is Godly character. It is the hope that regardless of the earthly circumstances there is an eternity with the Almighty. It is realizing that although I have not seen God, that one day I will. Furthermore, it is passing this hope along to others. It is infecting them with the Faith Virus, so that it infiltrates every part of a person's being, regardless of the circumstances.
As I write this it is hard to escape the thought that I want Resonance to grow not only spiritually but numerically. I want to influence and infect many with the Gospel. However, I must continue to remind myself that this is a difficult journey. It is a long journey. This journey does not promise "success" (whatever that really is). However, what this journey does promise is a faith that produces Godly character. Therefore, I rely on the All-Powerful, Never-Changing God of the Universe to meet me not only in victory, but also sit with me in my frailty.
Lord give me the faith that is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen even when I must walk through Hebrews 11:36-38.
Anyone who has seen the movie Field of Dreams is familiar with this concept. For those who maybe have slept since the last time they saw the movie, the phrase is something that the main character, played by Kevin Cosner, hears repeated. The idea is that if he will build a baseball field in his corn field, some of the old, legendary baseball players will come. So, he obediently responds, building a baseball field, and as the voice promised, they come. If you are a baseball fan, it is a great movie, which is something big for Kevin Cosner, especially since movie blockbusters like Waterworld! Of course that is another blog for another day.
The problem with this phrase is that it is what many of the modern churches have adopted as their philosophy of ministry. If they can build a nonthreatening, user-friendly building that houses programs for every season, every mood, every age, then people will come. However, I am not so sure that is what the mission of the church is. Now, please don't get me wrong, I am not against the gathering of the church, nor am I against programs...well at least all of them. What I am tired of is the church first of all being only a place where people gather. The church is the people. It is the people both gathered and scattered. We are the church when we are on the highway, when we are with our children, when we speak to our spouses, when we are alone. We cannot cease being the church.
The second thing I am tired of is the complacent church that builds programs and expects people to come. The church that opens the doors and says..."come one, come all, to the greatest show on earth" while the least of these are dying in the streets. As I read James 1:27 I am reminded what true religion is, which is what the church should be practicing, "Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."(The Message) Real religion is the church reaching out...going into the community...penetrating the godless world. That is what Jesus did. He reached out to the homeless and gave them a place to lay their head. He reached out to the loveless and touched them with hands of mercy. However, at the same time he guarded himself against corruption with his relationship with the Father. We too, must reach out to the homeless and loveless where they are. We must be willing to love the lepers who daily walk our streets. Yet, while we reach we must remember whose we are, so that we can guard ourselves from the flaming arrows of the enemy.
After all, the church really isn't a field of dreams. It is a field of destiny!
Mystery of Mercy
My God, my God why hast thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty king
My God, my God why has thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and the song I sing (Caedmons Call)
I really like it when a songwriter is able to grab a hold of my heart and play it as his instrument. That is the case with the song that contains these lyrics.
I am not certain why God has accepted me because I so readily reject Him when His way is not quick enough. Then there are those times when I am going through the motions of worship, offering to Him what I think is worship, but it is only vinegar...probably because I worship His Word more than Him...I worship His songs more than Him...I worship His church more than Him. I do not know why God has accepted me. It is definitely a mystery of mercy!
As I think through this the question that I cannot escape is: why do we feel as if it is necessary to explain everything about God? Sometimes we are so willing to explain everything about God that our explanation becomes our doctrine, and our doctrine becomes our god. Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying that we should completely throw out doctrine because I think doctrine gives us an opportunity to pursue the truth of God. However, it in and of itself is not our pursuit of God. So, what is the solution? We must let God be mysterious...we can only know about Him as much as He will reveal about Himself to us. When God is mysterious, we are more willing to passionately pursue Him because we don't know everything about Him...there is more we want Him to reveal about Himself.
It is my prayer that I would read doctrine to get a better understand of the truth of God, but also that I would allow God to remain mysterious, so that I will pursue Him more. Lord, teach me the balance between doctrine and mystery...remind me that Your thoughts are not my thoughts, and Your ways are higher than my ways (Isa. 55:8,9).
Lord, I do not completely comprehend You, nor do I comprehend why You have so often accepted me. I thank You for not treating me in the way that my sins deserve. Thank You for Your mysterious mercy. May it be the song that I sing!
Today is like any other day, but it is not. Usually on Wed. I am rushing trying to get the powerpoint finished, polishing up on the study for tonight, preparing for an afternoon of lunches at the local high school, and schooling the pastor at a little ping pong. However, today that is not the case. This is my first Wednesday away from youth ministry. Although you would think that I am a bit excited to have a little bit of a break...I am not. My heart aches. I already miss my kids. This has been a difficult week, more difficult than I had initially thought. I knew that I would be transitioning out, and I knew that there would be some sorrow, but today there seems to be a bit of emptiness as I think about my students. I will miss their screams as they play pool. I will miss the ping pong ball bouncing uncontrollably off of the church walls. I will miss the high fives. I will miss the basketball before the Wed night service. I will miss stacking chairs. I will miss the laughter of my pastor. I will miss his friendship. I will miss their friendship.
However, I know that planting this church is God's will. I am certain that before the foundation of the world, God ordained this time. He has never lost control of it, even when my heart was far from Him. As we move completely into our ministry at Resonance, I am reminded of the Waterdeep/100 Portraits song off of Enter the Worship Circle "I Will Not Forget You." The lyrics are as follows:
Many men will drink the rain
And turn to thank the clouds
Many men will hear you speak
But they will never turn around
I will not forget You are my God my King
And with a thankful heart I bring my offering
And my sacrifice is not what You can give
But what I alone can give to you
A grateful heart I give; a thankful prayer I pray
A wild dance I dance before You
A loud song I sing; a huge bell I ring
A life of praise I live before You
Many men will pour their gold
And serve a thing that shines
Many men will read Your words
But they will never change their minds
During the process of this transition, I do not want to forget that God is in control. His will is being done on earth as it is in heaven. Therefore, I want my life to be a life of praise lived before Him. I want to allow His Word to soften my heart, quicken my steps. I want to continue, as Psalm 106:1 says, to "Hallelujah! Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever."
If my memory serves me correctly, the word for love there in Hebrew is "hesed," which refers not just to God's love, but His "loyal love." God's covenantal love that He promised to His children. I want to remember that God's loyal love endures forever. Regardless of what house we live in, what church we minister in, what city we drive through, God's loyal love endures forever. So, I will praise His name. I will live a life of praise before Him.
However, this is not only my prayer, it is the prayer for my students at New Hope. I pray that they would live a life of praise to God in the midst of their transition as well.
Thank you God for sending me to New Hope, and thank you for sending me to Resonance, may everything I do be in worship of You!
Fuel 5
Sometimes when I am sitting outside on the porch of my house my dog, Shadow, walks up and sits down at my feet. Why does she do this? Is she hungry? Does she want to play? Does she want me to pet her? Or does she just want to be close to me?
I think maybe it is for each of these reasons at different times. Sometimes she does want to play, sometimes she does want food, or just to be close, etc. Either way, she knows who her provider is, and she draws near to him. What lessons we can learn from dogs!
Monday night at Fuel, we talked about "pressing in" on God, making an effort to get close to Him. It is so easy for us as we are walking through this church plant process to become so comfortable with what God has done that we take a break...shift gears...stop pressing closer to Him. However, it is when we stop pressing in that we begin to pursue things that please ourselves, as opposed to what pleases God. We must learn from Shadow who is the provider, and if we are going to experience His provision--large or small, we must press in, pursue Him, draw near to Him, grab ahold of Him.
I am reminded of a couple of instances in Scripture where this "pressing in" takes place.
The first example I find is in Genesis 32:24-31. It is here where we find the description of Jacob wrestling with the Angel of the Lord, whom many believe is either some type of theophany or Pre-incarnate Christ. Regardless of who it is, Jacob sees it as wrestling with the Lord. During this wrestling match Jacob says to the Lord, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." Therefore, the Lord blesses Jacob. As a reminder of this battle, God changes Jacob's name to Israel (which means he fights or persists with God and prevails)and God wounds Jacob's hip, causing Him to limp. If we are to press in to God we must be willing to allow God to shape our identity, like He did Jacob's (changing his name). We also must be willing to experience potential wounds. When striving with God, we will experience pain. However, it is in this pain that God can teach us...He uses it to remind us of His blessing.
The second thing I am reminded of is James 4:7,8. Here James exhorts his readers to submit to God and draw near to Him. When God's children draw near to Him, He draws near to them. Pressing in requires submission. It requires a person being willing to say, "Lord, you have my heart, my goals, my treasures, my identity, etc." Pressing in requires God's children to seek closeness with Him actively. Too many times we say, "Lord, where are you...why aren't you close to me?" When all along He is waiting for us to draw near to Him in worship, prayer, His Word, fellowship with other members of His family...
If we are truly going to allow God's will do be done on earth as it is in heaven, we must press in and allow Him to be our daily provider.
Lord, may we sit at your feet?
One day there was a man who was walking beside a river whose current was flowing rapidly along, and as the man looked across the river he saw a scorpion helplessly being carried away down the river on a leaf. So, the man reached out his hand to rescue the helpless scorpion, but when he grabbed the leaf the scorpion sunk his stinger into the man's hand. After a few seconds of writhing in pain the man again reached out his hand to rescue the helpless scorpion. As the man reached the leaf, the scorpion again venomously stung the man. In the distance the man heard the voice of another man saying, "you dumb man why do you continue to reach out to the scorpion when he is only going to sting you." With this the man whose eyes filled with compassion turned and said to the other man, "just because it is the scorpion's nature to sting does not change the fact that it is my nature to save." (taken from Brennan Manning's book, The Signature of Jesus).
In conversations today many well-meaning Christians (myself included) will say to someone. I will give you one more chance, but if you hurt me this time, then you are on your own. I refuse to help you until you help yourself. However, this seems to be contrary to God's working throughout history. Yes, it is our nature to hurt, to run, to abuse, to doubt, to fear, to stress, to scream, to cry, etc. However, just because it is our nature to do those things does not change the fact that it is God's nature to save!
May God give us His nature to save.
Fuel 4
As I prepare to go meet with our small group at Resonance, the Lord has been impressing upon my heart a lesson that He would like to teach me through the music that we will be worshipping the Lord with tonight.
Songs:
You Are So Good to Me (Waterdeep)
Surrender (Marc James-Vineyard)
Unashamed Love (Ten Shekel Shirt)
First of all, I must recognize that regardless of the circumstances that the Lord is good and His love endures forever, so I will give thanks to Him (Psalm 106:1)
Secondly, God is calling me, like He has all of His disciples, to completely surrender everything I have and everything I desire to Him. I must be willing to crucify my pride, my identity, my goals. I must be willing to deny everything that I hold dear for His sake, and follow Him. He is the leader. I am the follower. He is the pilot. I am the passenger. He is the shepherd. I am the sheep. Therefore, I must deny myself and give Him control (Psalm 23 and Luke 9:23)
Finally, I must be willing to come to my Lord, my Father like a little child, trusting in His provision and His protection. This means that I must be willing to humble myself and give Him top priority. He is the one who is to be made famous. His name is to be made known! (Matt. 18:2-4)
May God make it so!
I've just recently been reading a book by Michael Slaughter that is entitled, Unlearning Church. This book essentially discusses what the emerging church leaders must unlearn in order to be relevant to this generation of post-Christians. As I have been reading it, I have been pondering what it is that I must be willing to unlearn. What is it that I have embraced over the years about church that must change if I am going to be who God has called me to be in this generation?
I guess what I need to unlearn is that church is a place. My wife and I were discussing where God has placed us (as part of a planting team at Resonance Church) and how people respond to us when we tell them about us being part of the planting team. Their first response often has to do with the church building itself...like where is it located and what kind of church it is. It is so interesting to me how church has solely become a place that people go. I wonder if that has to do with the dualistic life that many Christians live today. At work they can operate under a different set of values because it is not church. At home they can operate under a different set of values because it is not church. Etc.
If we are going to live in such a way as to be relevant to the emerging generation, then we must be willing to unlearn that church is a place. We must learn that WE are the church. God's people are His church. He has just given many of us buildings to gather in, and we must be faithful to that public gathering. But, In this generation we must also be willing to be God's church in whatever setting He has placed us.
We live in such an impatient, give it to me yesterday society. We don’t have time to finish our “to do” list. We are in too much of a hurry to eat healthy meals. It takes too long to actually cook a meal that we will microwave it. Our hurried lifestyles manifest themselves in our relationship with our Heavenly Father. We want the Lord to answer our prayers now, or He doesn’t exist. We don’t have time to study God’s word, care for God’s people, or do God’s will. However, what seems to have suffered the most in our hurried lifestyle is our need for contemplative prayer. It is as if when we approach God, we have a “to do” list to pray to Him. Once we are finished, we say, “in Jesus’ name, Amen,” and we are off to our next task.
As I was reading Brennan Manning’s book, The Signature of Jesus, I began to realize that this is exactly what I do. I do not give God time to speak. I want Him to hear my voice, meet my demands, and move on. However, right now, I think God wants more silence from me. He wants me to sit with Him, dwell on His presence through His word.
I am reminded of Psalm 46. In this chapter, the world is in an uproar, Israel is at battle or preparing to go to battle like they often were, yet in their desire to go to war, team up with other nations, so that they can be victorious, God tells them in verse 10, “Be still and know that I am God.” In other words, stop trying to fight this battle and win this battle under your own strength, in your own time, with you resources. God is saying, STOP…be still before Me!
“On the journey from belief to experience, it takes more effort to be still than to run. Most of us live such a frenetic lifestyle that we are afraid of stillness, silence, and solitude.” (Brennan Manning, The Signature of Jesus)
God wants us to be still in His presence, so that we may experience Him. It is in this experience with Him that we get to taste of His heart. It is in this stillness that we recognize that He is the Judge; He is in control; the world is His and everything in it; He is the one to be exalted! It is only in this stillness that we can set aside ourselves and truly experience Him.
Well, this is my first attempt at blogging, and I can honestly say that I am a bit excited and nervous...kind of like my first date. Hopefully the results will be better here than on my first date. I can remember it like it was yesterday. We left her house and were driving to a local movie theater for a nice movie and some interesting conversation. Everything was going well until IT happened. I was driving on a highway and a truck was turning left. I looked at the truck and said to myself, "Man, it sure looks like they're about to hit me." Then, it happened. WHAM!!! right into the side of my parents car (who were out of town at the time). So, we pulled over, my date still screaming, and both exited the passenger side door, since the driver's side was completely hammered. So, after we had gotten everything taken care of with the police and the driver of the truck. I looked into my date's eyes and asked, "so, do you still want to go see the movie?" She responded, "no, I want to go home!" So, needless to say, I took her home, and that was the last time we ever spoke.
Hopefully blogging will be much more successful!