I met with a group of guys this morning at a Starbucks in McKinney. This was our first meeting, with many more to come hopefully. Like any of the other first time meetings, this one was spent with us getting to know one another. So, today, I had the opportunity to listen to the story of one of the guys. He told us about a time that he came near to death after getting stabbed 8 times. As he was telling the story, I looked down at his right arm and noticed a huge scar. He explained how the wound that preceded the scar was so wide that the doctors couldn't even sew it together initially. They had to let it heal some before they could repair it. Now, there is no wound, only a scar. His wound has healed.
Thinking of his scar, reminds me of my own. I have scars like this guy. However, mine aren't visible. I've got huge scars where deep emotional wounds USED to be. The truth is that these wounds aren't there anymore. They are scars. A scar is not a reminder of the wound. It really is a reminder of healing. You see my wounds have been healed. The scars tell the story of how I've been healed. Yes, the wound is a part of this healing process, but the wounds are gone. They have been healed. I've got scars to remind me of this healing.
I'm reminded also of the Savior whose wounds were both physical and emotional. His wounds like my new friend's and mine were deep. The shouts of the crowds, the betrayal by those whom He loved, wounded Him deeply. The nails pierced his body completely. He knows my friend's pain. He knows my pain. He knows your pain. However, the Truth is that He's no longer wounded. You can no longer see His wounds anymore. He's been healed, so that you and I can be healed. How do I know this?
He's got scars.
Caleb WILL NOT stay in his bed!!!!! Every night, we rehearse the same conversation:
Daddy: Caleb, are you going to stay in your big boy bed?
Caleb: Yes, Daddy
Daddy: Are you going to get up?
Caleb: No, Daddy
So, I walk out of his room, confident that he will keep his word...yes, he's only 2...all 2 year olds keep their word! About ten minutes pass and I hear something coming from the hallway. So, when I get to the hall, what do I see? My son. Lying in the hallway. Yes, the same sone who gave me his word that he would stay in his bed...his "big boy" bed. So, in response to this teachable moment, I decide to help my son understand boundaries. When we do not respect the boundaries we have been given, the boundaries must become more strict. With this in mind, I place him in his pack-n-play to sleep, so that he will not be able to get up.
Problem solved...not really.
About fifteen minutes pass by, and I go to check on Caleb in his room, only to find him asleep on the floor by his door! I sit with him, angrily, on his bed and try to reason with him (yes, he's 2 years old) about why it is important that he stay in his bed.
How frustrating!
It occured to me today that he really doesn't trust what I say. Part of the reason that he gets out of bed is because he is afraid of the sound of the air conditioner. Although I tell him that he doesn't need to fear, he doesn't really trust me, so he tries to deal with the issue the best way he knows how...by himself.
In Psalm 23, David says, "The LORD is my shepherd...He makes me lie down in green pastures." David here is using the metaphor of a sheep and a shepherd to describe the relationship between people and the LORD. Sheep are very nervous animals, always grazing, always afraid of what may be around the corner. However, in this psalm, David says that the LORD (the shepherd) makes him (the sheep) lie down. Sheep only lie down when they are completely provided for. They only lie down when they trust their shepherd to take care of them.
I'm not much different from Caleb. I often reassure the LORD that I will stay in my "big boy" bed, trusting Him completely. However, when I get afraid, I get up and try to deal with the issue myself. However, it always puts me in a place that He never intended me to be.
I never intend for my son to sleep on the floor. I want him to get the rest that I know he needs. But, until he REALLY trusts that I will take care of him, he will never get the rest that he needs.
The LORD never intends for me to sleep on the floor of my fear. He wants me to trust Him, rest in His provision, rest assured that He is taking care of me.
So, LORD, today I will try to stay in my "big boy" bed and lie down in the green pasture of Your provision.
I am right. Let's just get that straight right from the beginning. When it comes to Eschatology, I'm right. When it comes to the gifts of the Spirit, I'm right. When it comes to the role of women in ministry, I'm right. When it comes to a "style" of "worship"...whatever that is, I'm right.
Ok, now that we have that straight, who cares. Now, I'm not de-valuing the importance of knowing doctrine and Theology. However, it seems to me that much of my time as a seminary graduate has been spent trying to prove myself right to myself and to others. Whenever I am able to answer someone correctly or make a point that "stumps" them, I feel good about myself...hmmm, that is what Jesus taught us anyway, wasn't it? Blessed are those who are right, for they will know all of the answers, and the answers will set them free.
As of now, I am relinquishing my right to be right.
I was reading a selection from Michael Card's book, A Sacred Sorrow. A book in which he encourages followers of the Christ to lament because lament is a language of worship. One of the examples he uses is that of Job. In the section I was reading this morning, he poses a question where he asks, "who was right." Job? Elihu? Then he goes on to say that being right really isn't the issue. Job's trials were not about being right. They were about being obedient. That's the issue, and I agree with him. I mean, what if I get all of the "answers" correct, but I am disobedient. Does it really matter?
It reminds me of a conversation I was having with a wonderful friend of mine, a man who has constantly challenged me to pursue Jesus. He said to me one time, "The bible is not my final authority." My first thought was HERESY! What do you mean? How can you be a follower of Jesus and not follow the bible as your final authority. As we continued to dialogue, he explained himself, saying that Jesus was his final authority and that the bible revealed who Jesus was...that Jesus is the Word. This subtle distinction may not seem apparent to you as it didn't to me initially either. But, in our Protestant society, we have elevated the bible to a position of diety. We worship what it says, not who it draws us to.
The bible reveals the Word. It is not the Word. Jesus is not a book. He is a person. He is God. He is a redeemer. He is a giver of the Spirit who reveals the Truth.
So, what do these two issues have to do with one another...the issue of being right and the issue of the bible?
I want to learn how to be obedient to the Father as Jesus was. I want to walk in the Truth. I don't just want to have some answers from a book.
If my faith is only a series of RIGHT answers, then it is only a game show. However, if my faith is evidenced by obedience...faith with works...then it is a Way of Life where I pursue the Truth. Jesus.
My fence lies broken in my yard. What a mess! It used to be a strong fence, atleast that what all the neighbors thought. What they didn't know was that it was falling apart, and all it took was for stormy winds to come and blow it down. This is exactly what happened, and now I can't hide how broken it is. I need a new fence. However new fences take resources; they take skill to build. The good news is that the resources have been provided in a way I never counted on, and I have found skillful wood-workers to build the fence. Here comes the new fence! It will be better than the one before. It will be able to stand storms that the other one couldn't.
I too have spent the last few months lying broken. Prior to October of this year, what many people didn't know was that I too was falling apart, like my fence. I had been trying to avoid some hurts (both from others and from myself); I was spent. Then, came October. I abruptly resigned from my position at a church where I was serving, leaving relationships in ruins. There were multiple reasons for doing this, which I don't want to elaborate at this time. Suffice it to say, this experience left me in a dark and damaged place, and it was impossible to hide my pain any longer.
The next few months were some of the most difficult that I have ever had. I felt like such an immense failure. I had no emotional resources left. What I did not know was that the LORD was in the process of rebuilding. He had the resources. He was the skilled wood-worker who was going to rebuild my life so that it would be stronger than it was before.
There will be more storms; I'm sure of it! However, because of this experience, I have learned that the LORD is a wonderful builder, and He has made me stronger to endure the next storms that come, reminding me that it is not my strength that holds me up.
In the same way a fence is only as strong as the skill of the builders, so it is true with the LORD. He is an incredibly skillful builder, and because of that, I will stand firm, trusting the Mender of fences.