Just Thinking

It all began at hello.

I clicked over to the other line, and proceeded to receive an over-the-phone tongue lashing about a really stupid issue. In fact it is so stupid I really don't want to get into it. Nonetheless, as I was being sucker punched by one word after the other, I felt myself choking on my pride, holding back what I really wanted to say, which was something along the lines of, "This is so stupid, I don't even want to give you airtime." However, I knew that the right thing to do was to accept what I was hearing and find the deeper issue. I think the caller just wanted to be heard, but the problem is, so did I. It wasn't fair. It really wasn't even my fault. And besides, it was completely stupid (did I mention that yet?) Well, I hung up and didn't feel like even communicating with anyone the remainder of the night. All I wanted to do was eat and watch basketball. But, even as I did that, I continued to replay to phone conversation over and over...so much so that it just put me in an utterly bad mood the remainder of the evening. I didn't want to talk to my wife, play with my daughter, or even receive a loving lick from my dog. It all irritated me! If there was ever a time when I could morph into a turtle and hide in my shell, this was it. The night continued with episode after episode, none of them major, that just reminded me of this desire to be a turtle.

Then God spoke.

Midnight. My daughter, Gracelyn, awakens screaming and thrashing back and forth. As it turns out, it was nothing major either. Allergies! Her nose was stopped up and she was beyong irritation...much like her daddy. What I saw in her was how I had been acting all evening. I was thrashing around in self pity. However, she is much different than I.

As I started to leave and remove my hand from her back where I had been attempting to comfort her, she said, "I want you, daddy." Immediately, it clicked. Not once had I said that. In fact, I wanted God to defend me. Instead of defending me, He wanted to comfort me. I don't know why sometimes He defends and sometimes He comforts and sometimes He does both. But tonight He wanted to comfort me. He used the mouth of a four year old to get me to realize that the same thing she wanted was the very thing I needed. He showed me that sometimes, I need to stop thrashing around and just say, "I want you, daddy." Not really expecting Him to do anything, but be there with His hand upon me.

Even as I write, I am almost cringing because it is so hard for me to utter those words because they mean surrender. They mean that I can't do it all on my own. So, maybe before I go to bed, or when I wake up, I'll be able to learn a lesson from Gracelyn and seek the comfort of my Daddy.

"I want You, Daddy." I want Your comforting hand upon my back, reminding me that You are near, reminding me that You understand, reminding me that I am not alone.