Just Thinking

I've been in a bit of a writing slump lately. I try to paint creativity in my brain and weave words together that will move someone...maybe even me. The words show up. They don't dance with each other. There isn't a unity of thought. It all seems so chaotic. I've been here before. Every songwriter goes through lulls...especially the sober ones. Maybe soon the lyrics, melodies, and imagery will dance together and create a song worth singing. However, I heard a song today that is better than anyone could have ever written. It will never win any type of Grammy. It will never get worldwide radio play. But people fall in love to it all of the time. It brings a smile to a room full of flannel shirt wearing "teen-angsters". It's a melody we've all heard before, but it NEVER gets old.

It's laughter.

I was reminded tonight of how much I love this song. My children were at a birthday party laughing, running, and splashing in a water park with others who were doing the same. I couldn't help myself. I laughed out loud. Their laughter plucked on my heart strings and the harmony of boys laughing with girls made for the best song I've ever heard.

I can't wait to listen to it again.

I wonder if I can buy it on iTunes. Probably not.

I stumbled in, barely putting one foot in front of the other, somehow found my way to the counter, and with every ounce of confidence I could pull from my cloudy brain said, "Could I get a tall latte?"

The problem. I wasn't at Starbucks. So, I stuttered and stammered until I found the correct words to say, eventually walking out with my latte in my hand and embarrassment on my face.

Language is paramount! Our context determines our language, or at least we should be sensitive to our context, so that we use the appropriate language. Part of the problem with not understanding our context when when we communicate is that our message becomes unclear. It is impossible to communicate the message if the hearer doesn't receive the message. If our message is as important as we say it is, then we must communicate it clearly. Better yet, we should know what we are talking about!

I often use words like sanctification, fellowship, church, Christian, but my culture doesn't really understand what these words mean, or they have a flawed understanding of their meaning because of what their context has reflected to them. Furthermore, I have got to understand the implications of these words, instead of just throwing them around like an infielder on opening day.

So...the issue is two-fold:
1. I have to communicate my message clearly to the culture in a language that is appropriate to their maturity and setting because the message is most important.

2. I have to understand the language I communicate and use it as it was intended. There is meaning behind the words used when communicating the message.

Finally, I learned that if we are to add credibility to our writing, then it's important to include a valid source, and philosophers are almost always a valid source. So, I will close with the words of the great Inigo Montoya:

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Keep the message clear, be sensitive of context, and know what your words mean.

Jack Shepherd knows what it's like to be lost.
to have his foundation ripped apart
in the rubble of death
to see the face of a man who lost his breath
to death's blow to the gut
to wander in the trees only to lose track
of where his footprints have been

Jack Shepherd knows what it's like to be found.
to leave behind those
he's called his friends
to walk along winding roads,
stumbling in the potholes of self-doubt
to intoxicate himself with thoughts
of one who is found, yet wants to be lost again

Jack Shepherd knows what it's like to be lost and found.
so do we.

Well, I didn't sleep as much today as I slept yesterday, but did awake this morning feeling fresh and rested. Yesterday, we took a little trip to the zoo in Oklahoma City. This is something that we try to do in every new place we visit. It's good family time, and it's always fun to see how the kids are so excited to see each animal. Above all, it's a good time to be WITH each other. To me, that's what a vacation is about. Where we go is really irrelevant as long as we are together and have an opportunity to spend some time with friends. I am glad that we could spend this time with Tye, Bronwyn, Alexi, and Taryn. They are good friends...we have secret plans to steal all of them and bring them back to Texas...shhhh, don't tell them.

I also began reading a book called The Shack. I heard someone say the other day that this book "changed my life." It's funny to me when someone says that a book changed their life b/c books don't change lives. Not even the Bible. Books don't change people's lives b/c they are just words. It is God who changes lives. The Bible is a medium which He uses to facilitate this change and show us how God has changed lives throughout history. So, with that said, I don't intend on sharing the same sentiment that this book is life-changing. In fact there are things in the book that I think are potentially dangerous, but I won't get into that here. There was one thing that I did read that was good, as is the case with most things.

The main character is reflecting back on a time where he walked through The Great Sadness. This was a time when sadness was so heavy on his shoulders that he could barely function. We reflecting on this time he realized that there were many lies associated with The Great Sadness. This is SO true. In know this to be true because back in 2006 I walked through a Great Sadness myself. I became so convinced of lies about myself, my identity, my value...many more that I can't even recount. As I stand on the other side of that Great Sadness, I know:
1. God is faithful whether I believe it or not. His faithfulness is not contingent upon whether I think He is or not. He simply is. Even when all I could see was darkness, His Light was there. My vision was just narrow. It was as if I was squinting my eyes, only seeing the darkness. When my eyes finally were opened, the darkness was only a shadow. His Light far outshines the shadows. I love Him and am so very thankful to be loved by Him.

2. My wife is a perfect gift from God. She hurt so much for me during my time of darkness. It is difficult for me to even type this knowing how much pain I put her through. But this is not about recounting pain. The truth about a gift is that it's not deserved. So, she loves me and is one with me not because I deserve her. A gift is also something that is given. This seems simple, but the truth that resides there is incredibly weighty. She was given to me by God, by my Father who knows exactly what I need, who knows me more intimately than anyone else. When He wrote her name on my heart, He knew what He was doing. My wife is a beautiful, compassionate, loving woman. Kristi, I will spend the rest of my life loving you and learning how to love you in the way our Father has designed us to love each other.

3. My children need a father. They don't need my salary. They don't need my "perfection." They don't need words. They need me. They need me when I am standing tall, strong and confident. They need me lying face down, week and broken. The fatherhood thing is definitely a journey. I am learning as I go. Gracelyn and Caleb, I love you and will continue to raise you and father you as long as God plans for me to do so. As you grow, I want you to remember that everything I do as a father is done trying to show pieces of our Father's character to you. I'm proud of you.

God, thank you for the Great Happiness that I now live in. You are faithful.

Let's just say I caught up on sleep. I think I slept a total of 12 hours yesterday. WOW! I guess my body needed to catch up on some rest, so needless to say, I'm still a little groggy this morning, but am excited to hang out with my family and our friends.

We are at Tye and Bronwyn's house, and it's been nice being with them. We met Tye and Bron when we were a part of an organization called Apartment Life. We were placed at an apartment community in Plano as activity planners and resident care providers. Essentially our responsibility was to plan activities for residents and be available to provide for the residents' physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. It was a time when we were able to see what it looks like to extend the Love of God to all types of people. We absolutely loved it and are thankful for the relationships that were born out of this season. We shared a lot of laughs and some tears with Tye and Bron and consider it an absolute privilege that they would host us on this first leg of our vacation.

Well, I'm off to shower and go to the zoo. Maybe I'll actually be able to stay awake most of the day today.

Peace Out.

The past is a point of reference, not a point of residence.

hmmm... interesting

I met with a group of guys this morning at a Starbucks in McKinney. This was our first meeting, with many more to come hopefully. Like any of the other first time meetings, this one was spent with us getting to know one another. So, today, I had the opportunity to listen to the story of one of the guys. He told us about a time that he came near to death after getting stabbed 8 times. As he was telling the story, I looked down at his right arm and noticed a huge scar. He explained how the wound that preceded the scar was so wide that the doctors couldn't even sew it together initially. They had to let it heal some before they could repair it. Now, there is no wound, only a scar. His wound has healed.

Thinking of his scar, reminds me of my own. I have scars like this guy. However, mine aren't visible. I've got huge scars where deep emotional wounds USED to be. The truth is that these wounds aren't there anymore. They are scars. A scar is not a reminder of the wound. It really is a reminder of healing. You see my wounds have been healed. The scars tell the story of how I've been healed. Yes, the wound is a part of this healing process, but the wounds are gone. They have been healed. I've got scars to remind me of this healing.

I'm reminded also of the Savior whose wounds were both physical and emotional. His wounds like my new friend's and mine were deep. The shouts of the crowds, the betrayal by those whom He loved, wounded Him deeply. The nails pierced his body completely. He knows my friend's pain. He knows my pain. He knows your pain. However, the Truth is that He's no longer wounded. You can no longer see His wounds anymore. He's been healed, so that you and I can be healed. How do I know this?

He's got scars.

Caleb WILL NOT stay in his bed!!!!! Every night, we rehearse the same conversation:

Daddy: Caleb, are you going to stay in your big boy bed?

Caleb: Yes, Daddy

Daddy: Are you going to get up?

Caleb: No, Daddy

So, I walk out of his room, confident that he will keep his word...yes, he's only 2...all 2 year olds keep their word! About ten minutes pass and I hear something coming from the hallway. So, when I get to the hall, what do I see? My son. Lying in the hallway. Yes, the same sone who gave me his word that he would stay in his bed...his "big boy" bed. So, in response to this teachable moment, I decide to help my son understand boundaries. When we do not respect the boundaries we have been given, the boundaries must become more strict. With this in mind, I place him in his pack-n-play to sleep, so that he will not be able to get up.

Problem solved...not really.

About fifteen minutes pass by, and I go to check on Caleb in his room, only to find him asleep on the floor by his door! I sit with him, angrily, on his bed and try to reason with him (yes, he's 2 years old) about why it is important that he stay in his bed.

How frustrating!

It occured to me today that he really doesn't trust what I say. Part of the reason that he gets out of bed is because he is afraid of the sound of the air conditioner. Although I tell him that he doesn't need to fear, he doesn't really trust me, so he tries to deal with the issue the best way he knows how...by himself.

In Psalm 23, David says, "The LORD is my shepherd...He makes me lie down in green pastures." David here is using the metaphor of a sheep and a shepherd to describe the relationship between people and the LORD. Sheep are very nervous animals, always grazing, always afraid of what may be around the corner. However, in this psalm, David says that the LORD (the shepherd) makes him (the sheep) lie down. Sheep only lie down when they are completely provided for. They only lie down when they trust their shepherd to take care of them.

I'm not much different from Caleb. I often reassure the LORD that I will stay in my "big boy" bed, trusting Him completely. However, when I get afraid, I get up and try to deal with the issue myself. However, it always puts me in a place that He never intended me to be.

I never intend for my son to sleep on the floor. I want him to get the rest that I know he needs. But, until he REALLY trusts that I will take care of him, he will never get the rest that he needs.

The LORD never intends for me to sleep on the floor of my fear. He wants me to trust Him, rest in His provision, rest assured that He is taking care of me.

So, LORD, today I will try to stay in my "big boy" bed and lie down in the green pasture of Your provision.

I am right. Let's just get that straight right from the beginning. When it comes to Eschatology, I'm right. When it comes to the gifts of the Spirit, I'm right. When it comes to the role of women in ministry, I'm right. When it comes to a "style" of "worship"...whatever that is, I'm right.

Ok, now that we have that straight, who cares. Now, I'm not de-valuing the importance of knowing doctrine and Theology. However, it seems to me that much of my time as a seminary graduate has been spent trying to prove myself right to myself and to others. Whenever I am able to answer someone correctly or make a point that "stumps" them, I feel good about myself...hmmm, that is what Jesus taught us anyway, wasn't it? Blessed are those who are right, for they will know all of the answers, and the answers will set them free.

As of now, I am relinquishing my right to be right.

I was reading a selection from Michael Card's book, A Sacred Sorrow. A book in which he encourages followers of the Christ to lament because lament is a language of worship. One of the examples he uses is that of Job. In the section I was reading this morning, he poses a question where he asks, "who was right." Job? Elihu? Then he goes on to say that being right really isn't the issue. Job's trials were not about being right. They were about being obedient. That's the issue, and I agree with him. I mean, what if I get all of the "answers" correct, but I am disobedient. Does it really matter?

It reminds me of a conversation I was having with a wonderful friend of mine, a man who has constantly challenged me to pursue Jesus. He said to me one time, "The bible is not my final authority." My first thought was HERESY! What do you mean? How can you be a follower of Jesus and not follow the bible as your final authority. As we continued to dialogue, he explained himself, saying that Jesus was his final authority and that the bible revealed who Jesus was...that Jesus is the Word. This subtle distinction may not seem apparent to you as it didn't to me initially either. But, in our Protestant society, we have elevated the bible to a position of diety. We worship what it says, not who it draws us to.

The bible reveals the Word. It is not the Word. Jesus is not a book. He is a person. He is God. He is a redeemer. He is a giver of the Spirit who reveals the Truth.

So, what do these two issues have to do with one another...the issue of being right and the issue of the bible?

I want to learn how to be obedient to the Father as Jesus was. I want to walk in the Truth. I don't just want to have some answers from a book.

If my faith is only a series of RIGHT answers, then it is only a game show. However, if my faith is evidenced by obedience...faith with works...then it is a Way of Life where I pursue the Truth. Jesus.

My fence lies broken in my yard. What a mess! It used to be a strong fence, atleast that what all the neighbors thought. What they didn't know was that it was falling apart, and all it took was for stormy winds to come and blow it down. This is exactly what happened, and now I can't hide how broken it is. I need a new fence. However new fences take resources; they take skill to build. The good news is that the resources have been provided in a way I never counted on, and I have found skillful wood-workers to build the fence. Here comes the new fence! It will be better than the one before. It will be able to stand storms that the other one couldn't.

I too have spent the last few months lying broken. Prior to October of this year, what many people didn't know was that I too was falling apart, like my fence. I had been trying to avoid some hurts (both from others and from myself); I was spent. Then, came October. I abruptly resigned from my position at a church where I was serving, leaving relationships in ruins. There were multiple reasons for doing this, which I don't want to elaborate at this time. Suffice it to say, this experience left me in a dark and damaged place, and it was impossible to hide my pain any longer.

The next few months were some of the most difficult that I have ever had. I felt like such an immense failure. I had no emotional resources left. What I did not know was that the LORD was in the process of rebuilding. He had the resources. He was the skilled wood-worker who was going to rebuild my life so that it would be stronger than it was before.

There will be more storms; I'm sure of it! However, because of this experience, I have learned that the LORD is a wonderful builder, and He has made me stronger to endure the next storms that come, reminding me that it is not my strength that holds me up.

In the same way a fence is only as strong as the skill of the builders, so it is true with the LORD. He is an incredibly skillful builder, and because of that, I will stand firm, trusting the Mender of fences.

I enjoy taking my children to the pool. My daughter loves the water and has recently become more of a swimmer, so much so, that she no longer has to wear a flotation device. However, my son must wear floaties because he cannot swim. He is no tall enough to stand up in the water, nor is he strong enough to keep himself afloat without some kind of assistance. However, I am a grown man who can easily support himself in the depths. I can swim out to the deep part of the pool with no assitance needed and keep myself afloat without any assistance.

I was thinking today, however, how absurd it would look if I were to put on a pair of those orange inflatable arm floaties with pictures of happy fish all over them and stay on the shallow end of the pool and play "Marco Polo" with all of the children. If you were at the pool what would you think?

The truth is that, spiritually speaking, there is a majority of us who are doing just that. We are hanging out in the shallow end of the spiritual pool with all of the children. We are wearing our little floaties, calling out "Marco" listening for all of the other children to say, "Polo". It's not that the shallow end is a bad place to be. It isn't at all. It's safe there; it's warmer there; it's where we have fond memories. God has called us to go deeper though. Swimming in the deeper water requires that we be stronger. It requires that we use muscles that we never would have used if we had stayed in the shallow end.

Ok...enough nonsense, let me get to the point. There are too many Christians who are comfortable with superficiality. There are too many shallow Christians, myself included. God has called us to move on, to go deeper. The writer of Hebrews reminds us of this in chapter 6.

He says, "1Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again the foundation of repentance from acts that lead to death, and of faith in God, 2instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. 3And God permitting, we will do so."

We must move on. It is time to stop sitting in some sanctuary somewhere with our floaties on while someone else does the swimming for us. Now, I'm not saying that those who sit in sanctuaries are shallow. I'm saying as long as we are not willing to go deeper with God, we remain shallow. Unless we allow Him to speak to the depths of our hearts, we will remain shallow. As long as Jesus remains solely a man or a good prophet or just our friend, he cannot be our Lord. We must go deeper.

Richard Foster hit the nail on the head when he said in his book, Celebration of Discipline, "Superficiality is the curse of our age. The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a spiritual problem."

God has called us to go deeper. We must swim out to the depths if we are going to use the spiritual muscles that God called us to use. Most importantly if we are to trust Him truly we must deflate the floaties and lean on Him as He takes us to a deeper relationship with Himself through Jesus Christ.

"I had rather exercise faith than know the definition thereof"-Thomas a' Kempis.

I have studied theology for a number of years, and I am not certain what a good definition of faith really is. I can't elaborate it. However, I can see it, have seen it, and praise God for it!

I have two new friends, Frank and Erica. Frank and Erica gave their lives to our Lord and Savior, Jesus about two months ago. I have often been impressed with the voracity that they have pursued Him. However, now I am even more impressed and encouraged. Today at about 11 am Erica will be having a very risky surgery. Doctors are hoping to repair a "pseudo-aneurysm" near her brain that is significantly limiting the blood supply to her brain. As I spent time with Frank and Erica last night I was impressed with their faith. It was not a faith that speaks "faith-type" words out loud but mutters fear below the surface. Theirs was a faith completely in God. Don't get me wrong. I know they are afraid, but I also know that they trust in who God is in the midst of not being certain of what He will do. The Lord gave me a picture of this last night.

My dog Shadow is afraid of storms. In fact, she is so afraid that if left alone she leaves a path of destruction. This happened this past weekend. It was a deluge outside and Shadow was in the garage. She completely tore up the molding on the door to the house and broke the garage door sensor trying to escape. So, finally when I let her in the house, the first place she ran was under my feet. She felt secure there. She was safe. The storm did not end when she was under my feet. She did not know when the storm would end, but she knew who I was and that I cared for her.

Frank and Erica have spent time in the garage. They have fought. They have wept. Yet, the storm has raged on. Now, however, they have come into His house and sat beneath the feet of the master. They are secure there. They are safe there. While the storm for them continues to rage on, and they are not sure when it will end, they know who He is and that He cares for them.

I am not sure how to define faith, but that is what it looks like in action.

Praise God for the faith of Frank and Erica!

The story behind the song.

Thanks Len.

You are a Mystic, known for your imaginative, intuitive spirituality. You value peace, harmony, and inner silence. Mystics are nurtured by walking alone in the woods or sitting quietly with a trusted friend. You may also enjoy poetry, meditation, wordless prayer, candles, art, books, and anything else that helps you connect with God.

Mystics experience God best through rich images and symbols. You are contemplative, introspective, intuitive, and focused on an inner world as real to you as the exterior one. Hearing from God is more important to you than speaking to God. Others may attribute human characteristics to God, but you see God as ineffable, unnamable, and more vast than any known category. You are intrigued by God's mystery.

Mystics want to inspire and persuade others, and need to live lives of significance. At times you push the envelope of spirituality, helping the rest of us imagine who we might become if we followed your lead.

Sometimes you may feel a bit guilty about your need for solitude and silence. If so, you probably have bought into the American myth that says being alone and doing nothing is lazy, antisocial, and unproductive. Stop it -- now. Give yourself permission to retreat and be alone. It's essential for your well-being.

On the other hand, don't get so carried away retreating that you become a recluse. That only deprives the world of your gifts and deprives you of the lessons that come from being with others. Some Mystics may have a true vocation for solitary prayer, but the rest of you need to alternate retreat time with involvement and interaction.

Spiritual Type Test

Well, I'm not too sure why I'm posting because I don't really want to. In fact these days I don't want to do much of anything. I am tired. I am burned out. I am weak. I am an oxymoron...or maybe just a moron :). I have been overcome with struggles lately. Without going into specific detail, let's just say that the enemy continues to prowl around me like a roaring lion, waiting to devour me. There are parts of me that want to shoot him, engage him, vanquish him. However, I don't have the strength. There are parts of me that want to give up, lie down, be over-taken. I don't want to be overly negative, but I don't want to be fraudulently positive either. I am struggling. I want to stop...get out of this funk. But I don't know how. I don't know if I really want to get out of it. I pray that God would guard my heart right now because I don't have the strength to. I pray that God would join me with others who struggle because I don't know if I could take the condemnation of those who don't, or at least don't admit to it.

Please forgive the self-pity. At this point, I'm bathing in it, and it's warm...dirty...but warm.

Here are a couple of things I've written over the last few months.

Fast Pace:
Empty spaces
On crowded faces
Where will you walk?

Tainted traces
Of all God's graces
Too tired to talk

Stop.
Rest.
From life's listless races.

Here's another one written while waiting for my flight at Dallas Love Field.

Gate Six:
Gate six
Just tasted my caffeine fix
Yea, I'm awake,
But is that what it takes
To see
To read
Between the lines
of the signs of the times?
To write
To weave
Lines with simple rhymes?
Is it me
Or just the caffeine?

"Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don’t know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels"

Ok...nothing like taking something out of context to prove a point....please forgive me. In 1977, Jackson Browne released the album, "Running on Empty", and on that album, the title track, by the same name appeared. Although, Jackson Browne did not intend, at least I think, to make the point that I want to make at this point, but what I am going to say does seem crazy according to the wisdom of this world.

As the road rushes beneath our wheels, one of the places that many of us stop is "Rightsville". Rightsville has a large population, but no one else believes that anyone else exists there because everyone only cares about "one", forsaking "any" and "every". Rightsville is defended by the army of oneself, defeating those who tread on someone else's individual liberties.

I know this place because I own a home there. In fact I often stop there wandering through the streets of my accomplishments, degrees, status, and rights. However, I have found that Rightsville is a lonely place.

Jesus knew the danger of visiting a place like Rightsville. In fact, He encourages us to move out of Rightsville, encouraging us to empty ourselves, like He did, of our so-called rights.

Philippians 2:5-11 (The Message)

The Message (MSG)
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

5Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. 6He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. 7Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! 8Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death--and the worst kind of death at that: a crucifixion.

9Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, 10so that all created beings in heaven and on earth--even those long ago dead and buried--will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, 11and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father.

Jesus could have laid claim to His rights as the Son of God, but He chose not to take advantage of His position, humbling Himself, taking the form of a human servant. He did this to rescue those in Rightsville. My prayer is that I would have His same attitude-that I would empty myself of my rights to pursue unity, to pursue relationships with others. My prayer is that I would learn to run on empty.

Well, blog, I know that I have not spent time with you lately. I am sorry that I have avoided you. I've been so busy that I have not had time to cultivate our relationship...too busy...will I ever not be too busy? Besides who is in control of my schedule? Don't I say yes or no. Ok, anyway, I've wanted to talk to you for a while, but I felt like so much had already gone unsaid. I know that I told you last month that we would talk some more, so I am sorry.

Enough of that. It's been weird. It's like I've had too much to blog about. I wasn't sure where to begin. So, here is what's been on my mind lately. I have become a slave to time. I have allowed myself to get over-extended. It has occurred to me that I don't have the ability to say "no"...or at least ask for help. This has always been a problem with me; I've always tried to be self-sufficient. As a result of my busyness, I have not created time for the cultivation of relationships. Why is it that I get so wrapped up in executing tasks? I am willing to put relationships on the back-burner in order to complete a task, but I am not willing to put a task on the back-burner to cultivate a relationship. It is becoming increasingly apparent to me that this is a common occurrence. What would happen if people started cutting back on the doing so that they could be in relationship? What would the church be like if people said no to task and yes to each other?

Well, there, I've broken the silence.