Wednesday, December 24, 2003

It all began at hello.

I clicked over to the other line, and proceeded to receive an over-the-phone tongue lashing about a really stupid issue. In fact it is so stupid I really don't want to get into it. Nonetheless, as I was being sucker punched by one word after the other, I felt myself choking on my pride, holding back what I really wanted to say, which was something along the lines of, "This is so stupid, I don't even want to give you airtime." However, I knew that the right thing to do was to accept what I was hearing and find the deeper issue. I think the caller just wanted to be heard, but the problem is, so did I. It wasn't fair. It really wasn't even my fault. And besides, it was completely stupid (did I mention that yet?) Well, I hung up and didn't feel like even communicating with anyone the remainder of the night. All I wanted to do was eat and watch basketball. But, even as I did that, I continued to replay to phone conversation over and over...so much so that it just put me in an utterly bad mood the remainder of the evening. I didn't want to talk to my wife, play with my daughter, or even receive a loving lick from my dog. It all irritated me! If there was ever a time when I could morph into a turtle and hide in my shell, this was it. The night continued with episode after episode, none of them major, that just reminded me of this desire to be a turtle.

Then God spoke.

Midnight. My daughter, Gracelyn, awakens screaming and thrashing back and forth. As it turns out, it was nothing major either. Allergies! Her nose was stopped up and she was beyong irritation...much like her daddy. What I saw in her was how I had been acting all evening. I was thrashing around in self pity. However, she is much different than I.

As I started to leave and remove my hand from her back where I had been attempting to comfort her, she said, "I want you, daddy." Immediately, it clicked. Not once had I said that. In fact, I wanted God to defend me. Instead of defending me, He wanted to comfort me. I don't know why sometimes He defends and sometimes He comforts and sometimes He does both. But tonight He wanted to comfort me. He used the mouth of a four year old to get me to realize that the same thing she wanted was the very thing I needed. He showed me that sometimes, I need to stop thrashing around and just say, "I want you, daddy." Not really expecting Him to do anything, but be there with His hand upon me.

Even as I write, I am almost cringing because it is so hard for me to utter those words because they mean surrender. They mean that I can't do it all on my own. So, maybe before I go to bed, or when I wake up, I'll be able to learn a lesson from Gracelyn and seek the comfort of my Daddy.

"I want You, Daddy." I want Your comforting hand upon my back, reminding me that You are near, reminding me that You understand, reminding me that I am not alone.

Monday, December 22, 2003

The precious is mine. I found it. oh, the precious....the precious.

Berry, Mark, and I braved the long lines at a local movie theatre this weekend, trekked our way to our seats, and prepared to witness the "Return of the King," the most recent Lord of the Rings. What an incredible movie! In fact, you know a movie is great if you come away with a character's identity...

Berry--Aragon
Mark--Legolas "The Elf"
Chris--Gimli "The Dwarf"

However, the identity association did not stop there. I began not only to see myself in many of the characters. I saw our journey as Resonance.

Here we are, on this journey in the kingdom, waiting for the king's return. The King has taken his seat in heaven, and one day he will completely conquer the dark forces, he will come riding on his white horse with His legends behind him and the gates of Hades will not be able to hold him back. However, as we wait for the king's return there is a fellowship that he has given us. We must cultivate this fellowship of followers because within all of us is a Gollum who hungers for the precious power. It is easy to tell ourselves that this church plant is ours, we started it. We must remember that we are on this journey together, fighting side by side, not so that we may gain anything, but that we may make a way for the return of the King.

May our fellowship remain unbroken.

Friday, December 19, 2003

Well, I'm finally done with seminary! I want to say that I am really excited, but I'm not really sure how I feel because it does not seem like a reality yet. But, it does feel nice to read what I want, write when I want, and be back to "normal" life. Seminary has been an interestingly scary experience. I have been able to taste what it would be like to live in a white-washed world where the primary stresses are a final exam or a paper to write. Now, it is back to the place where pain really lives and breathes...back to the place where people really don't care what your view is on dispensationalism...which they shouldn't anyway. Anyway, in that sense, it does feel good to be back to some kind of normalcy. However, I have to say that seminary wasn't what I thought it would be.

I walked into the hallways first during the Fall of 2000, excited to learn everything about the bible, get the answers to any question that someone may ask, or even answer some of the questions I had. I walked into seminary looking for answers. However, now that I am walking, it really isn't answers I have, but more questions. Some may think that having more questions is a problem because seminarians are supposed to know the answers. Well, that isn't me. I have learned that the bible is way too complex and God is way to big for me to answer everything. In fact, maybe it isn't even answers that anyone should look for. Maybe learning is really about learning what questions are worth asking.

So, as I continue on in this journey of life, my prayer is that God would always reveal knew questions to me that are worth asking...not so much so that He would give me all of the answers, but so that it would create more dialogue between us. After all God is not a dictionary. He isn't just interested in giving us answers. He is the Creator who is interested in communion with His creation.

My own personal shout out
Thank you Lord, for how You so often carried me through school. Thank You for giving me questions and not always choosing to answer them. Thank You for providing financially, emotionally, and spiritually while I was in school. Finally, thank You for thank You for the beauty of Your Word. May I ever hunger after You through it. Lord, keep me humble, so that I never allow my seminary degree to shape my identity. Thank You!

Thursday, December 04, 2003

It has been a month since my last blog...I can't believe it. I shouldn't really even be blogging right now, but I am so overwhelmed I have to have some type of outlet. Maybe an electrical outlet, maybe an outlet mall...man my brain is scattered, like marbles on the kitchen floor, like chickens in the presence of a wolf. What am I talking about? This is your brain...this is your brain on education...why do I even need education...maybe that's the problem I think I need it. Why? Because I feel like I am worth something if I know something...maybe I should admit that I really know very little or that I'm not sure if I even want to be known. If I'm known then I'm found. Thank God that knowing me, He found me, finding me He saved me.

That's about all for today. The above is the random thoughts of one who is completely stressed out!

May God continue to bless you, not because you are entitled to it, but because it is His nature to bless!

I'll write more coherently once the semester is over...Graduation (already/not yet)